Airport Check-in: Done

I'm sitting at my airport gate with emotions a-plenty. From the moment I got out of the car and hugged my mom goodbye, it sunk in (finally) that I won't be home for a while. Feelings of anxiety and "what the hell did I get myself into", partially only subsided by the Xanax that I took for that very reason. My checked baggage was too heavy. They measure in kilos so I'm not sure how much I was over, but it cost me $85. Ouch. There was no other option, but it confirmed my suspicion that I over-packed.

My morning started with a cup of coffee in the early AM Seattle sun (this is a rarity, in case you didn't know) and basked in the reality that everything I know is about to change. I put my final touches on packing and went with my mom to get a pedicure (our "us" time, and very suiting for the final hours). I've had the nerves since I woke up, but they really set in when I walked into the airport and away from my home. I tried to take deep breaths and keep tears from pouring from my eyes (I kept reminding myself that raccoon eyes look good on no one), and slowly but surely some of that subsided - - again, partially or majorly thanks to Xanax. My stomach feels upset and topsy turvy, but once I'm on the plane, I plan to pop a Dramamine and sleep it out. I will be arriving in Reykjavik, Iceland at 6:45 AM (obviously local time), although it will be late night to me. I'm hoping the excitement can hold me over for my 2.5 hour flight to Paris from there!! I can't imagine arriving in Paris and it feels all too-weird.

Today has just been surreal, so it's hard to even imagine the next few days when I'm overtaken with a new culture, a new place, and a new life. Fingers crossed and prayers said.

And the nausea sets in...

Ever since I could remember, I met anxiety with feelings of nausea and the so-called "butterflies". I used to vomit before birthday parties and on the first day of school. I just couldn't handle all of the excitement. Well, true to form, a good 27 hours before my plane leaves for
Paris, I have a case of the stomach flips - - at the moment it's mixed with a hunger and is excruciatingly uncomfortable. I am making a pizza so that should cure one of the problems, but I know me... the butterflies will keep flapping in my tummy, most likely giving me a case of insomnia when I lay down tonight.

My friend Nicole, who's meeting me in Paris asked me to bring Peanut Butter for her. She says she misses it like crazy and it really made me think of all of the random comfort blankets here at home that I am going to miss!! Most of all, I'm worried about missing Ethan - the world's sweetest brother and most precious human being. This morning I crawled into bed with him and snuggled. I gave him hugs and kisses and tried to take mental pictures of his precious face to hold onto. Not seeing him everyday, or even every week is going to be a real challenge for me.

Pizza is ready. Better go take care of my famished stomach.

The loss of Butter... Melting our heart till the very end

Tonight we lost our dog of 12 years, Butter. She was a gentle giant, a quiet spirit with more loyalty than you could ever ask for in a k-9 companion. She got her name after my stepdad saw her at an adoption fair, where he said she "melted [his] heart like butter". She was 6 months old and a beautiful mix of Labrador and German shepherd, although the exact mix was never actually determined. She was a wild puppy and quite the terror, destroying bedrooms, rolling around in mud and chewing through walls, earning her the nickname "Knuckles" because my mom always said she was going to give her a "knuckle sandwich". After some obedience training and years of patience, she transformed into the World's Best Dog. She always let us know when she needed to go outside and only let the ferocity out when a stranger knocked at the door. Butter cried out of happiness when she saw her loved ones or heard music... I remember fondly her loud notes when I practiced my clarinet in middle school - she didn't mind for a moment that I was off-note and pitch.

For years she lied beside my parents bed, faithfully and protectively until she aged to the point of sore joints preventing her from going up the stairs. She loved her crate, she loved her bed, but most of all, she loved us. Ever-hopeful of a petting and some attention, she was the most appreciative of souls... a 5 minute nuzzle and praise would last her all day.

When we knew she was sick, we were on one-hand grateful that we received 12 loving years from her, but at the same time, it still felt too soon. As we wipe tears from her eyes and try to accept her loss, we rejoice in the fact that she was ours. It will sink in slowly but surely, as we come home and her tail isn't wagging in the doorway, as she doesn't let out her sweet cries of joy, as dinner time comes and her food goes untouched. We will grieve, we will move on, and we will feel blessed to have her in our lives. "Old Rickety", we cannot wait to see you again on the other side.

A breakthrough for the sake of breakthroughs...

If you see my "sister blog" you will see that I had a breakdown. A long-ago adopted blog title has been my year. I moved to Seattle, Washington, following my family and the hope for an exciting beginning, close to a year ago now. I left behind the man I thought I would marry, in desperate hopes that he would follow me and this time, bring a ring. I thudded to a harsh reality when I saw the truth in what he had been telling me: he was not ready to commit to me. After tears upon tears and feelings of betrayal and loneliness, I am still struggling these 9 months later to let go. Let go of any hope that he is the one for me, and let go of the relationship that I thought we'd always share. The worst part about the heartbreak is that it has been one-sided. I was the only one who imploded on myself and began to question who I was if I wasn't his.

That journey has undoubtedly been the toughest I've gone through. Agonizing, yet self-actualizing. In the midst of this journey, I've experienced a lot of other things (although all minuscule in comparison to the size and weight of my broken heart): I was hired to do a job where I felt I reached a lot of my potential...and fired for being too immature to handle office politics; I got my very first condo, which was a dream home for anyone, and especially for someone of my age...then moved out of it, shortly after being fired; I moved back in with my family only to realize that their problems were things that I am completely useless to resolve, yet forced to sit and watch them pain the people I love.

So here is where I am out now: Headed to Europe on some vagabond-esque journey. I leave in two days and am without a return date, plan to return, or plan of what I'll do after I return. I'm not even so sure of what I'll do while I'm in Europe. This is kind of a crazy, spontaneous, perhaps irresponsible adventure that I'm hoping leads to some grand epiphany or perhaps even a tiny one. Famous authors and philosophers have often discussed the wonders of traveling on the soul and the answers that one can find without even having a question. This is me. Chasing after something to which I have no identification of. I could be the most naive of all fools... Or I could be embarking on something truly wonderful. My hope is in the latter, along with all of my faith in those wise men (and women) who've done this before me and spoken volumes of its results.

I have a "travel blog", but I feel I am most comfortable here. In the silence of not having followers or fans, critics or contenders. Here I can speak to the secrets of my heart, the moments of triumph, the times I feel lost and homesick... Here I can turn inward and express it it outward. Wish me luck...And Cheers!!

Stop Whining, Start Living

Although, it has probably been unnoticed that I have been absent from the blogging world lately, I feel the need to apologize to the space of internet I haven't wasted and also to myself. I wish I had a better excuse than laziness, but sadly, I do not. It feels good to journal/blog/discuss. HUGE stress relief.

So I read this book Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura Schlessinger against my chagrin to avoid self-help books at all costs. I have been pleasantly surprised. I am 21 years old and feel like I have not accomplished anything that I had hoped/dreamed to. This is all my own fault, and has been a huge focus of mine ever since I realized this thing called "Life" wasn't turning out as planned. Did I graduate from a University with a degree? No. Do I have a job I am proud of that makes me good money? No. Have I upheld my values 100% and made myself proud? No. Am I able to completely support myself and afford the things I want to? No. I have whined, bitched, and moaned about these "failures" in my life to the point where I expect myself to fail, and even set myself up for it. I have complained so much to my boyfriend that he doesn't even respond anymore, which made me resent him and take out my frustrations on him. I was feeling inadequate, unloved, and ultimately pissed off all the time.

Upon reading this book, my attitude has completely changed. I have made a conscious decision to evaluate my mood and CHANGE it, because I have the power to do that. And instead of bitching and feeling sorry for myself, I am going to proactively change the things I can and endure the things I cannot. So what I haven't graduated college yet...I just found out what I want to do and I can still make it happen. So what I disappointed myself by not being the best Lynzy I could be? I am actively recovering from my mistakes and realize that we all slip-up and no one is perfect. And being mad at other people, especially those who love me unconditionally does nothing more than push them further away from me...and I do not want that...I want to draw those people closer to me and make them want to be around me!!

I started it last week and finished it this morning...The last 4 days have been some of the happiest days I've had in a long time. After weeks of fighting with my boyfriend over petty stuff (like getting another dog), I just got over it because I knew it wasn't worth it. I decided to clean the apartment that I'd been complaining about, and even take out the trash (which is typically his chore). What a difference it made when he got home and I was in a good mood. He wanted to be all over me...At the end of the night I made a quick, sincere apology for my ridiculous/over reactive behavior as of late, and his response was "I love you so much" followed by a kiss. Now, what more could a girl ask for...?

This book is an eye-opener and really helped me see that my bad attitude was my own fault and I was sabotaging my own happiness. Thanks Dr. Laura.

Internet Absent

I wish I could say this started last week when I broke my wrist (more on that later), but I will not lie to you. Two weeks ago, Twitter was deleted from my iPhone by mistake. Huge mistake! [The hugest!] For those of you who do not know, I am a Twitter fanatic. A typical day consists of an average 10 tweets, and if it is an A-typical day when something ridiculous, exciting or ridiculously exciting happens, it is possible that I tweet every 5 minutes. There lies the beauty of Twitter. Simply drop a line (under 140 characters of course) whenever you would like to update the world on what you are doing. If only secret terrorist groups and America's Most Wanted could let us all in on their lives a little more...
I am usually doing the same thing on a different day. I damn Mondays, praise my sweetheart of a boyfriend, praise myself for exercising, damn myself for not eating well, and complain about traffic (Yes, I can drive and tweet - can't you?)
I digress...Twitter refused to be re-installed on my phone after it so harshly deleted itself from my life. It said my iPhone wasn't up to the current 3.0 version and I MUST update it prior to the addition (or re-addition) of TwitterFon (the app I use to stay "connected"). Ppl, I do not have time to figure out how to update to 3.0 and then wait while my iTunes updates any and everything that's changed since the last time I plugged in. I have put it off and put it off as if it would take more than 5 minutes of my precious time.
Somehow, the moment I lost touch, I decided to give up on my other internet outlets: Facebook, Blogspot, even my own e-mail has been shoved to the backburner.
I feel bad...people have tried to reach me via internet and I have been out-of-touch. At work, to avoid getting Virus #3, I have avoided going to personal sites and have stuck with Yahoo News and Weather.com. When I get home, surfing the internet just isn't top priority. Fixing dinner, taking my dog for a walk, and catching up with my man are numero uno(s).
Now, with the additional excuse of a broken wrist (I guess I better tell the story now) I feel that typing on a full keyboard or a phone keyboard, require too much movement of my carpals. Ok, so last Monday night I decided to go out with a friend of mine to watch some live music at Tolbert's - a restaurant/bar on Main Street in Grapevine. From there (many drinks later) we walked down to Chill, a bar I've heard much about. Unfortunately, I cannot recall my experience there, but am sure that I will give it another chance to make an impression. Walking from Chill to my friend's car (she drove me home), I tripped on the railroad tracks that run across Main St. and tried to catch myself with my hand. [FYI: this story was not remembered, but told to me by my friend the following morning]. I woke up Tuesday with a terrible pain in my right hand and discovered by x-ray I have a fractured Radius and two sprained fingers (pinky and thumb). The pain was agonizing, but even more agonizing is that I have to wear a stupid cast for 4-6 weeks. Goodbye Summer Swimming...I am such an idiot!
So far today, I have checked in with all my internet outlets - including you, Blogspot - and have high hopes to stay "in touch" this week.

Getting My fAt ASS back in shape

Okay, so here I go again! I am on a diet/exercise kick! I was doing so well..I was shedding pounds, I was getting toned, and I had gotten over not eating out all the time! But I came back from Belize (my goal to be fit for) and I hit a serious slump. I stopped worrying about my figure and lost interest in being fit more and more each day. It got even worse when I turned 21 last month because I had beer and mixed drinks at my finger tips. I stopped caring about calories, and I have watched my weight creep back up.

NO MORE! I am tired of yo-yo dieting and exercising. I do NOT want to be that person who is unhappy in ten years when i didn't make an active effort to get my booty in gear. Day 1 starts today: I've counted my calories so far, and I plan to run on my lunch break for 20-30 minutes.

After reading Shape magazine (such a good motivator) I decided to start cooking more fish! I like halibet, salmon, tuna, etc. and I know that they are all good for me. Bobby gets off work 2 hours before me and he can eat all of the Beanie Weanies and Toast that he wants: I will not settle for "easy" anymore. Also, I will be working out in the morning! He gets up at 7, while I sleep until 8. If I got up at 7 with him, I could have an hour to get in a good day-starter workout and a decent breakfast!! When school starts in the fall, I will be parking my car at a distance so that my chubby ass has to actually MOVE!

I'll keep you posted...