Addictions

So, I just couldn't get away without posting again. I know, I know, I might have developed an addiction for blogging, but as it appears, it reminds me so much of writing pages and pages in spiral notebooks and journals as a young girl. I would spend hours writing poetry and ideas down on paper. I even used to cut out things from magazines and paste them on the pages alongside whatever piece of work I had just finished. Last week I was helping my mother clean out the attic and I came across about 5 notebooks completely filled from start to finish with journal entries and poems. I didn't have the time to look through them because I knew once I started the trip down memory lane would be a long one. Not to mention, I just wasn't up for criticizing myself at the time. But sometimes when I come across something I've written, the words seem so foreign, and it's like "Wow, I don't ever remember writing something so...good!" Not that I'm trying to give myself tons of credit, because trust me there's some crap mixed in too, but when I think about the stuff I've written that seems foreign, I know those were the ones that I really felt. The ones that I had the insatiable urge for, and the ones that I slipped away somewhere inside my head and heart to write. The ones that feel like someone else took over are the ones that I find truly beautiful and have no shame in being proud of. I used to feel like it wasn't unusual for people to have my talent and in fact most people write down their feelings. Although the latter may be true, I have found over time that the gift is in taking those feelings are turning them into something else. Something eloquent. Something mysterious. Something raw, even.
Maybe one day I will be able to write poetry again. Real stuff. It's been ages and I'm afraid I can't get back to that sense of creativity I used to sneak away to. Maybe I'll just sit down and force it over and over again and then sift out the crap to find the art.

A close friend of my family's is a decade-recovered drug and alcohol addict. Apparently as of late he has fallen off the wagon. Now, this is a guy who has everything to lose. He's successful, has a daughter, and has what most people would consider a good life. Sadly, he's losing sight of it lately. After a surgery, he quickly went through his pain meds and saw a doctor friend to get more. He has been high on them ever since. Sadly, this is a situation I know all too much about. Of course, everyone's situaton is different and who am I to pretend to know what he is going through? I don't know his thought process and I'm sure he's been to his own dark places that I could never imagine even in my worst nightmares. BUT, with all of that said, I do know what it is like to lose your way. I know how it gradually takes a hold of you; the urges, the cravings, the high off of doing something wrong. Sadly addicts never remember the turmoil. Even I don't. All we remember are the "good times" because that is what holds a stronger place in our heads. It tells us that it feels so good and we put it up on this pedastul and praise it and feel special and better because it belongs to us and us only. We like to be alone in our "happy" place, or so we tell ourselves, but the truth is that no one wants to go there with us. Our friends will slowly disappear after fair warnings that it's either "us or it". Our family tries to stick by, but we pretend they are crazy and they pretend they are wrong. Eventually we have to hit our own bottom and realize the only way left to go is up. That's when you start to turn it around. I can't say enough good things about 12 step programs. AA, NA, CA, whatever it is, although AA seems to stick closer to Bill W's original way of doing things. It's not about whining, excuses or pity-parties; it's about results. So this friend has been given his fair warning, he has even crashed his car with his little girl inside, but he has not hit his own bottom yet. I hope the bottom is close in sight, because the closer the bottom is for him, the closer he is to realizing he has to go back up. I just hope he doesn't destroy good things before he does. And that's all I have to say about that...